Kings Fall Apart: Or, It's Not Always Good to be King, Mr Trump

TRUMP has been trying to make himself the first King of the USA since a revolting people gave George III the boot in 1776. Laying aside the argument that the Donald is a much worse leader than the last king, the King of Orange should think twice about being on a throne, however golden. George III, a Far Better Man Than Trump

The history of monarchy in the British Isles, which I know best, should not inspire a desire to play Macbeth and Don a crown. Few kings or queens have been able to enjoy their reigns, short or long. Only one British king has been called "The Merry Monarch," Charles II, and even he faced a sea of troubles, partly of his own making. 

Charles II did manage to last twenty-five years and die in bed with his crown on his head, a fate denied many other monarchs. The last Anglo-Saxon king, Harold, was killed in battle against the 1066 Norman Invasion led by Duke William of Normandy. Tradition holds that an arrow landed in Harold's eye. He had been king for only a few months. 

William I, Harold's Conqueror, did much better time-wise. But he had to deal with an Anglo-Saxon populace which did not welcome being ruled by a king who rewarded his French-speaking warriors with their lands. He dealt with the opposition by killing lots of peasants and destroying their homes. His corpulent body exploded when he was being forced into a too small tomb, emitting a foul smell and showering those nearby with unmentionables.

William II, the Conqueror's eldest son, had a nasty and short reign, cut short by an arrow again. On this occasion, the archer may have been an assassin hired by his brother Henry, who succeeded as king. Henry I he had a fairly lengthy reign. Legend has it that he died from eating a surfeit of lampreys. It is more probable that  a stroke killed him. Or maybe he died of worry about the succession.

Henry had no male successor, only a daughter, Matilda. He named her as his heir, but when he died, the alpha males among his barons decided they could not stomach being ruled by a woman, and chose his nephew Stephen as king. Those familiar with the US election of 2024, when Americans chose Trump over Kamala Harris, will understand. 

The result was nearly twenty years of fighting between the supporters of Stephen and those of Matilda. The Anarchy, as this period is called, was not a good time for anybody, except for some robber barons. Peasants, as always, paid a heavy price. 

In the end, the two sides reached a deal: Stephen would remain king, but on his death, the throne would pass to Matilda's son Henry of Anjou. When Henry II became king in 1154, he started a line of kings known as the Angevins or Plantagenets. Henry also inherited a large part of France, directly, or through his wife Eleanor of Aquitaine. He was always moving about to keep control his large and diverse territories. He faced many rebellions among his nobles and vassals. The rebels eventually included his sons and Eleanor. 

Two of his sons became king after him. Richard and John, of Ivanhoe and Robin Hood fame. That's all fantasy, but so is Richard's "Lion-Heart" reputation. He is the only king to have a statue outside of Parliament, for some unfathomable reason. Richard spent a mere six months of his ten year reign in England, and like Trump, treated the country like a cash cow. He massacred thousands of Muslims, Jews, and even Christians while Crusading for Christ in the oddly named Holy Land. He also died when struck by an arrow, while besieging a rebel castle. Gangrene set in, and that did for him.

Richard I had no children. Enter his brother John, the only English king of that name. Let's see why. (NB: This is not John)

End of Part I.

 

British Monarchs who Ended Badly: Part 5, The Early Tudors

The Tudor Dynasty, which ruled England and Wales from 1485 to 1603, is the most written about of any royal house in British history.  The Tudors might well be one of the most important job creators of the past few centuries. Tudor and Co. have inspired innumerable biographies, novels, plays, and films, not all of them bad. 

I cannot possibly provide enough detail here to satisfy all the curious. Therefore, I will keep it fairly brief and barebones. I regret that means leaving out many of the salacious bits.

The Tudor Period was ushered in by Henry Tudor, who defeated Richard III at the Battle of Bosworth in 1485. The half-Welsh Henry VII ruled until his death in 1509, probably of tuberculosis. 

He was a rather boring king, but that was probably not a bad thing after decades of disorder. He was a shrewd and apparently an amiable fellow. His great achievement was to bring relative stability and increase the power of the monarchy after the chaos of the Wars of the Roses. [Image: Henry VII, 1505]

Henry VII was a notorious tightwad. After the Italian navigator John Cabot returned from a voyage of discovery to North America in 1497, the king presented him a reward of £10. 

To be sure, £10 was worth a lot more than now, especially since Liz Truss became Prime Minister. Henry could be generous with his family, but no one would accuse him of being extravagant. He was, however, adept at extracting money from his subjects. In his portrait above, you can see he has his eyes on your moneybags. 

Perhaps Henry VII can be forgiven for his miserliness. The government had become cash poor during the previous period of anarchy. Henry VII managed to restore its finances. Just in time. His son Henry VIII was a lavish spender. One of his first acts was to execute his father's hated chief tax collectors, Empson and Dudley.

 [Image: Henry VIII in the 1530s]

Henry VIII became king by accident. His older brother Arthur was heir. As part of a treaty with Spain, his father had married Arthur at 14 off to a Spanish princess, Catharine of Aragon, in 1501. But Arthur died the next year, probably of the mysterious "sweating sickness" that was epidemic at the time. [Image: Catherine of Aragon]

Hoping to keep the marriage alliance going, Henry VII proposed marrying Catherine to his second son, the future Henry VIII. Because the Bible contained conflicting passages on whether a man could marry his brother's widow, Henry VII applied for and got a papal dispensation allowing the match. 

Other complications delayed the match, one of which was young Henry's opposition. But after he became king in 1509, he married Catherine. He seems to have been happy enough with her at first. But he grew less happy as the years passed, and she did not produce a male heir. They had only one child, Mary. 

Henry believed that only a male would be able to preserve his new dynasty. In the late 1520s, he decided God was punishing him for marrying Catherine -- that the marriage was not valid according to the Bible. Implied in this was the idea that the pope had made a mistake in granting a dispensation and the marriage should be annulled. 

This was not a popular idea in Rome, nor with Catherine's powerful nephew, the Hapsburg Emperor Charles V, who pushed the pope to deny Henry's appeal. The presence of his armies in Italy gave his views considerable force.

Henry was not a Protestant nor was he anti-Catholic in doctrine. A few years before, he had written a pamphlet denouncing Martin Luther's attacks on the Roman Church. For this work, the pope of the time awarded Henry the title of "Defender of the Faith," which British monarchs still flaunt. 

But Henry was desperate to rid himself of Catherine. She was now in her 40s and he believed she could never give him the male heir he so desired. He had also begun a relationship with the woman he thought could do the job: Anne Boleyn. Her ambitious family threw her at him. Lust and political need did the rest. The pair met and wooed at Carew Manor in Beddington, Surrey, just a short walk from my current residence. 

[Image: Anne Boleyn]

Things got messy. Anne got pregnant. The pope refused to grant the annulment. Henry responded by declaring that the pope had no authority in England. 

In effect, the Church in England became the Church of England, the Anglican Church. The King replaced the pope as its Supreme Head. All of this was done through legal means, by Acts of Parliament. 

Desperate for cash by now, Henry followed the break from Rome by seizing a money pit. He dissolved the monasteries and confiscated their land and wealth, much of which he sold to eager buyers. The idea probably came from Thomas Cromwell, who had become Henry's right-hand man. Cromwell superintended the dissolution. [Image: Thomas Cromwell]

Some of the clergy, and some among the laity opposed Henry VIII's break with Rome. Many of them paid with their lives, notably Sir Thomas More, who had been Lord Chancellor for a season. 

As everybody knows, Henry had his new church grant his annulment. He married Anne. She gave him a child, but alas it was a girl, Elizabeth. She had several miscarriages. The royal couple's relationship soured. 

Henry, looking ahead to wife number three, accused Anne of treason, incest, and adultery. The court meekly complied and she was beheaded a few days later. The ever magnanimous king paid for an expert French executioner to perform the job with a sword. No ordinary axeman for an English queen. 

Henry had already selected wife number three, Jane Seymour. Jane gave Henry his desired male heir, Prince Edward. He took precedence over Mary and Elizabeth. Jane's tenure as Mrs. Henry Tudor was tragically short. She died shortly after the birth of an infection. But at least she wasn't beheaded. [Image: Jane Seymour]

To celebrate the birth of his long-desired son, Henry began to build a new magnificent palace, Nonsuch, near Cheam in Surrey. It was completed in 1538. [Image: A model of Nonsuch. The palace was demolished in the 1680s]

Henry was now in the market for wife number four. Thomas Cromwell, who had become the king's chief minister had an idea. He arranged a marriage alliance with the daughter of a German prince, Anne of Cleves. 

Henry liked her portrait, but not the real Anne. The pair did not hit it off, and he quickly arranged to have the marriage annulled. Probably because she (wisely) did not oppose him, Henry treated Anne generously and she lived in England until her death in 1557, arguably the happiest of Henry's six wives. [Image: Anne of Cleves]

Thomas Cromwell did not fare so well. Henry had him beheaded for treason and corruption. The real reasons for his fall are unclear, but may have been related to the Cleves match and alliance. Being close to an increasingly paranoid Henry was a lot like being close to Joseph Stalin. A whiff of suspicion could be enough to prove one's undoing. 

With his exquisite sense of timing, Henry married his next wife, Catherine Howard the day Cromwell was beheaded. Wife number five did not last long either. She ended up like Anne Boleyn, with her head on the block, after Henry accused her of adultery. Two of her accused lovers enjoyed the same fate. [Image: Portrait of a Young Lady believed to be Catherine Howard]

Wife number six, Catherine Parr, was more fortunate, if you believe that being married to a volatile, fat old man with ulcerous, boil covered legs is a pleasant fate. She was somehow able to keep the aging Henry content. She avoided an annulment and kept her head, which is quite a feat considering the fate of his other wives. 

Henry VIII died in 1547, aged 55. In his final years his waistline ballooned to 54 inches (140 cm). He had "mobility issues" and had to be moved about with the use of mechanical contraptions. Most historians reject the old theory that he died of syphilis. The cause of his demise is still debated. 

Paradoxically, the reign of Henry VIII was probably a fairly good one for many of his ordinary subjects. He generally kept the country out of war and maintained internal peace. He was intelligent, talented, handsome, and well educated. From the 1530s on, however, he was sometimes mad, bad, and dangerous to know.

On his death, the throne passed to his ten-year-old son, Edward VI, beginning another period of turmoil.  

If you have trouble remembering the fate of Henry's wives, this little mnemonic device helps: 

"Divorced, beheaded, died, divorced, beheaded, survived."

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British Monarchs Who Ended Badly, Part 3: Edward III to Henry V

With the reign of Edward III, we reach the golden age of chivalry. Edward created one of the most famous of chivalric orders: The Order of the Garter, around 1348. His methods of warfare were hardly chivalric, however.  

[Image: Edward III with roll of the Order of the Garter, 15th century drawing, Bruges Garter Book]

The Knights of the Garter were the creme de la creme of the nobility and gentry. Naturally, they loved to plunder, kill, and rape peasants, who were not covered by chivalric rules. A lot like the rules of war today, really. 

Edward III provided his knights with a golden opportunity. He went to war with France. French wars had been a common feature of English life since the Norman Conquest, but Edward's war was different. Earlier kings since 1066 had fought in France to protect or sometimes extend their lands in that country. Edward III wanted more: the French throne. Or so he said. 

Now, if you are a diehard English monarchist, you might say he should have had it -- without a fight. To explain why, we must go back to the previous reign. Edward II married a French princess, Isabella, who gave birth to the future Edward III in 1312. * 

When her brother Charles IV died in 1328 without an heir, his closest male relative was Edward III. But the French bypassed Edward and selected Philip of Valois as King. Why? Because Isabella was not a man. 

French hereditary law held that the throne could not be passed to the descendant of a woman, in this case, Edward. He disputed the decision, to no avail. 

In 1337, he began what historians later called the Hundred Years War. It lasted from 1337 to 1453, which, as you will notice, is 116 years. But the Hundred- and Sixteen-Years War is clumsy and hard to remember.  

The Hundred Years War was actually several wars punctuated by years of peace. During the long reign of Edward III, the English won some great victories, like Crecy (1346) and Poitiers (1356), largely due to the skill of their longbowmen, who were hardly chivalric.

In the later years of Edward III's reign the war went badly for the English. Nature made things worse for everybody. Floods, cold weather, famine, disease added to war. The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse rode again. 

The worst disaster was the plague, or Black Death, which struck Europe in 1347-49 and returned in 1361. About 30 percent of the population died in Western Europe, perhaps more. The plague came back periodically for another 300 years.

In 1376, Edward III's heir, Edward the Black Prince, died after years of chronic illness, possibly malaria or some other infection. He had been the victor at Poitiers and other battles, and was considered the greatest soldier of his time. He was only 45. [Image: Effigy and Tomb of Edward the Black Prince, Canterbury Cathedral]

Edward III, whose health and mind had been failing for some time, died the following year. He had been monarch for 50 years, the second longest reign of the medieval period. 

The throne passed to the ten-year-old son of the Black Prince, Richard II. For several years, Richard was guided by his uncles. Their guidance was not especially helpful. The war in France went badly. The royal finances were mismanaged. In 1381, England was engulfed by the largest Peasant Revolt in its history. 

Peasants, artisans, and laborers rebelled against a regressive poll tax designed to pay for the French war. They were already reeling from the effects of the war, plague, bad weather and government attempts to keep wages down.

The rebels captured London and terrorized the city for several days. They killed the Archbishop of Canterbury and the Lord Treasurer. They burned the Savoy Palace, the magnificent London home of John of Gaunt, Richard's uncle. 

Young King Richard, now 14, met with their representatives and promised to grant their demands. Alas, it was a ploy. At another meeting, the Mayor of London treacherously killed the peasant leader, Wat Tyler. in the confusion that followed, Richard rode up to the rebels and urged them to follow him away from the scene. They did. The rebellion soon collapsed.

[Image: Richard II, Westminster Abbey]

When Richard came of age, he dismissed his uncles and began to rule as well as reign. In the later 1380s, he started to act arbitrarily, leading to charges of tyranny. In retrospect, his biggest mistake was to exile his cousin Henry of Bolingbroke in 1398.   

Bolingbroke was the eldest son of John of Gaunt, Duke of Lancaster. When Gaunt died in early 1399, Richard confiscated his vast estates for the Crown, disinheriting Bolingbroke. The estates remain a major part of the monarchy's portfolio. There is even a cabinet minister in charge of it, the Chancellor of the Duchy of Lancaster. 

In June 1399, with French help, Bolingbroke returned with an army, to claim his inheritance. He defeated and captured Richard in Wales and called a parliament, which declared Richard deposed. Because Richard had no heir, the parliament declared Bolingbroke king as Henry IV. It was the first time the English Parliament chose a monarch, but not the last.

[Image: Henry IV, Bolingbroke, funeral effigy, with his wife Joan of Navarre, Canterbury Cathedral]

Henry IV was the first of three Lancastrian kings. He had promised the deposed Richard that he could live, but a plot to restore the former king changed that. Richard died in Pontefract Castle in 1400. He was likely murdered, possibly starved to death.

Henry IV's problems, and England's, were hardly over. He spent much of his reign fighting off rebellions, some challenging his claim to the throne, a challenge that was to cause problems for several decades. 

His later years were marked by a series of severe illnesses. He suffered from a disfiguring skin disease, possibly leprosy. Henry IV died unhappily in 1413, perhaps of heart disease, aged 46. He left behind a badly divided England.  

His son and heir Henry V (Shakespeare's Prince Hal) sought to unite the English by restarting the Hundred Years War. In 1415 he invaded France. A meticulous planner and a skilled general, Henry inflicted a decisive defeat on a large French army at Agincourt, and  captured key towns and fortresses. Along the way, he made a few great speeches, if we are to believe Shakespeare, play Henry V. 

The French agreed to a compromise peace in 1421. Henry was named heir to the throne and regent. He married a daughter of the French king to seal the deal. Alas, he died the following year. The stated cause of death, "camp fever," could mean several things. He was only 36, but his body was probably worn out by seven years of ceaseless campaigning. 

[Image: Henry V, painted in late 16th or early 17th century. Gotta love the hairdo!]

Henry V left a nine-month-old son as king of England and presumptive heir to the French throne. As the youngest king of England ever, Henry VI could hardly defend his French claim. English nobles who ruled in his name tried, but they lacked Henry V's charisma and skills. 

Slowly, the English began to lose territory to French soldiers inspired by Joan of Arc. By 1453, the only English territory left in France was the port of Calais, which it held until the 1550s. 

With the war in France over, the English reverted to fighting among themselves. During the previous century, powerful noblemen had created private armies of retainers, mercenaries. Instead of fighting for land, they fought for money. Their employers were fighting for the Crown. 

The Game of Thrones was about to heat up.   

*Mel Gibson Fake History Alert. In Braveheart, we are led to believe that Isabella had a one-night stand with William Wallace and that the future Edward III was the son of Braveheart. Edward III was born seven years after Wallace's execution. It must have been a long pregnancy.   

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God Save the King! (Or Queen)

Since the accession of Charles III, we have often heard the phrase "God Save the King!" It seems strange after 70 years of hearing "God Save the Queen!" uttered for Elizabeth II. 

"God Save the King" is the original, of course. It is not known how old the phrase "God Save the King" is. It appears in 16th century translations of the Bible. "God Save the King" is used in reference to King Saul, the first king of Israel. 

As early as 1444, navy seamen were instructed to say "God Save King Henry" as a watchword aboard ship. That was Henry VI, a pious monarch who needed all the saving he could get. He was king when the Wars of the Roses started. The sailors used the phrase as a watchword on board ship. 

"God Save the King" had become a popular rallying cry by the mid-18th century. How much it was used before then is obscure. The Jacobite Rebellion of 1745, which threatened to topple the Hanoverian King George II, gave the cry a boost, and a song of the same name as well.  

The Gentleman's Magazine published a version of the song in 1745. It specifically names King George as the object God should be saving. [Image: George II by Thomas Hudson, 1740s]

It opens: "God save great George our king, long live our noble king." God apparently responded: the Jacobites led by "Bonnie Prince Charlie" met their final defeat at Culloden in 1746. The Catholic Stuarts ceased to be a royal threat. [Image: Charles Edward Stuart, aka Bonnie Prince Charlie, by Alan Ramsay, 1745]

Somewhere around that time, the song "God Save the King" had appeared. Historians disagree about who composed it and when. They have suggested dates between the 1680s and 1740s and Henry Purcell, Thomas Arne, Charles Burney as the composer. They all had a hand in it, it seems.

The phrase "God save the King" is used purely by custom and tradition. It has no basis in law. Similarly, the song of that name is not the official national anthem, although it is often treated as if it were.  

It is unlikely that the UK will ever have an official national anthem, even if it doesn't break up. Few of the English like "God Save the King/Queen," and even fewer Scots or Welsh. Most people sing it with all the enthusiasm of the dead. In Northern Ireland, Loyalists or Unionists like the song. Republicans detest it. 

Many in England have suggested for an anthem "Jerusalem," William Blake's evocative poem, rendered to music by Sir Hubert Parry in 1916. "Jerusalem" is often played as an anthem at English rugby and cricket matches. But it is about England, not the UK, so has little following in the so-called "Celtic Fringe." It is often sung as a hymn in churches. 

The same is true of another tune some people have proposed as a national anthem: "Land of Hope and Glory" from the tune by Edward Elgar, with lyrics by A.C. Benson (1901-02). It has imperialistic overtones that offend many people nowadays.

The Scots usually play "Flower of Scotland" as their anthem at sporting events. That isn't going to catch on in England or Wales. 

One rousing song that was highly popular during the imperialist age is "Rule Britannia," music by Thomas Arne, lyrics by James Thomson (1740). It celebrates Britain, not just England. Alas, it is too warlike and racially insensitive to be considered as a national anthem. 

The lines "Rule Britannia! Rule the Waves, Britons never will be slaves" make the song's unfitness for the current world obvious. When it was written Britain was the greatest slave trading nation in the world. And Britannia certainly doesn't rule the waves anymore. Waives the rules, maybe. 

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