Kings Fall Apart: Or, It's Not Always Good to be King, Mr Trump

TRUMP has been trying to make himself the first King of the USA since a revolting people gave George III the boot in 1776. Laying aside the argument that the Donald is a much worse leader than the last king, the King of Orange should think twice about being on a throne, however golden. George III, a Far Better Man Than Trump

The history of monarchy in the British Isles, which I know best, should not inspire a desire to play Macbeth and Don a crown. Few kings or queens have been able to enjoy their reigns, short or long. Only one British king has been called "The Merry Monarch," Charles II, and even he faced a sea of troubles, partly of his own making. 

Charles II did manage to last twenty-five years and die in bed with his crown on his head, a fate denied many other monarchs. The last Anglo-Saxon king, Harold, was killed in battle against the 1066 Norman Invasion led by Duke William of Normandy. Tradition holds that an arrow landed in Harold's eye. He had been king for only a few months. 

William I, Harold's Conqueror, did much better time-wise. But he had to deal with an Anglo-Saxon populace which did not welcome being ruled by a king who rewarded his French-speaking warriors with their lands. He dealt with the opposition by killing lots of peasants and destroying their homes. His corpulent body exploded when he was being forced into a too small tomb, emitting a foul smell and showering those nearby with unmentionables.

William II, the Conqueror's eldest son, had a nasty and short reign, cut short by an arrow again. On this occasion, the archer may have been an assassin hired by his brother Henry, who succeeded as king. Henry I he had a fairly lengthy reign. Legend has it that he died from eating a surfeit of lampreys. It is more probable that  a stroke killed him. Or maybe he died of worry about the succession.

Henry had no male successor, only a daughter, Matilda. He named her as his heir, but when he died, the alpha males among his barons decided they could not stomach being ruled by a woman, and chose his nephew Stephen as king. Those familiar with the US election of 2024, when Americans chose Trump over Kamala Harris, will understand. 

The result was nearly twenty years of fighting between the supporters of Stephen and those of Matilda. The Anarchy, as this period is called, was not a good time for anybody, except for some robber barons. Peasants, as always, paid a heavy price. 

In the end, the two sides reached a deal: Stephen would remain king, but on his death, the throne would pass to Matilda's son Henry of Anjou. When Henry II became king in 1154, he started a line of kings known as the Angevins or Plantagenets. Henry also inherited a large part of France, directly, or through his wife Eleanor of Aquitaine. He was always moving about to keep control his large and diverse territories. He faced many rebellions among his nobles and vassals. The rebels eventually included his sons and Eleanor. 

Two of his sons became king after him. Richard and John, of Ivanhoe and Robin Hood fame. That's all fantasy, but so is Richard's "Lion-Heart" reputation. He is the only king to have a statue outside of Parliament, for some unfathomable reason. Richard spent a mere six months of his ten year reign in England, and like Trump, treated the country like a cash cow. He massacred thousands of Muslims, Jews, and even Christians while Crusading for Christ in the oddly named Holy Land. He also died when struck by an arrow, while besieging a rebel castle. Gangrene set in, and that did for him.

Richard I had no children. Enter his brother John, the only English king of that name. Let's see why. (NB: This is not John)

End of Part I.

 

British Monarchs Who Ended Badly, Part 2: Henry II to Edward II

Henry II, the first Plantagenet monarch, was not only King of England, but lord of much of France as well. He inherited some regions and gained others through his marriage to Eleanor of Aquitaine, as feisty a queen as ever lived. 

Historians generally rank Henry II highly for his legal and administrative reforms, but his reign was hardly trouble free. He conducted a long battle with the Church over the legal status of the clergy. The dispute led to the murder of his defiant Archbishop of Canterbury, Thomas Becket, in 1172, possibly at Henry's instigation. 

Henry did penance for that and survived the uproar. His biggest long-term problem was his family. His sons and wife mounted several rebellions against him, and he died of a stomach ulcer while still at war with them in 1189. More trouble awaited the two sons who succeeded him. 

First came Richard I, the Lion-Hearted. He is notable as the only king to have a statue erected outside Parliament. Today, one has to wonder why. Romantic Victorians idolized him as a gallant knight. But he was a wretched monarch. He spent only six months of his ten-year reign in England and treated the country as a cash cow. The rest of the time he was crusading in the Holy Land or fighting to defend his lands in France. And he was cruel. After the capture of Acre in modern day Israel, he ordered the massacre of 2700 Muslim prisoners. 

Returning from the Crusade, Richard was imprisoned in Germany for about a year, and held for a huge ransom that the English people paid. During a campaign in France a crossbow bolt struck his shoulder. Gangrene set in, and that was his end. He treated his wife badly and had no children. His brother John succeeded him.  

John was the only King John of England, because he was the Evil King John. Before that, he was the Evil Prince John of the Robin Hood stories. That was mostly, if not entirely, mythical, although it rested in part on John's bad reputation. John did plot against his brother Richard to gain power and wealth. Once John was king, he continued to behave badly. He alienated his barons by taxing them without their consent and seducing their wives. I'm not sure which angered them more. It all ended in 1215 at Runneymede Meadow in Surrey. Rebellious barons cornered John and forced him to sign Magna Carta, The Great Charter. 

The Great Charter demanded that the king respect the liberties of his subjects. That mainly meant the nobles. But the Charter did throw in some clauses designed to protect the Church and the "freemen" of the realm. 

Magna Carta effectively declared the principle that the king is not above the law. It also laid the basis for the later development of Parliament by demanding the king consult "the community of the realm" before levying new taxes. 

John soon repudiated the Charter and resumed war with the barons. He died on campaign in 1216. Rumors circulated that he had been poisoned or had died of a "surfeit of peaches," which is better than a surfeit of lampreys. Dysentery, or the Bloody Flux, is another possibility.

John's successor was his nine-year old son. Henry III had the longest reign of any medieval monarch, 58 years. He spent huge sums on building projects and other schemes. He irritated the barons a lot and they mounted several revolts against him. At the Battle of Lewes in 1264, a baronial army led by he Earl of Leicester, Simon de Montfort, captured and imprisoned him for some months. His son Edward was captured as well, but he escaped, defeated the baronial army, killed de Montfort, and released his father. Edward was a man of action. 

Edward I, who succeeded Henry III in 1272, was a tall fellow. One of his nicknames was Longshanks. Edward initiated important legal and administrative reforms. English historians of the Victorian era idolized him as a great monarch, perhaps the greatest, of the medieval period. The Welsh and Scots had and have a different opinion. 

Edward completed the English conquest of Wales and built some amazing castles there, which did have the virtue of being a modern tourist attraction. He also tried to conquer Scotland. His Scottish campaigns earned Edward another nickname, the Hammer of Scots. It also led to the Scottish Wars of Independence and the meteoric rise of William Wallace, "Braveheart." Wallace's army won a stunning victory over an English army at the Battle of Stirling Bridge in 1297.* Things went badly for Wallace after that, however. 

Scottish enemies betrayed him to the English. Edward had him executed for "treason" in 1305. Contrary to the film Braveheart, Edward I did not die while Wallace was being disembowelled, but two years later. 

Some historians have called his son and heir Edward II the worst king in English history. Perhaps, but there was lots of competition for that title. The fact that he was likely gay did not help his reputation, especially with the Victorian historians. Unlike his hyperactive father, he was considered lazy and incompetent. He lost a decisive battle to the Scots and Robert the Bruce at Bannockburn in 1314, which led to Scottish independence. 

His wife Isabella, a French princess, turned against him and took a noble lover. Along with barons disgruntled by Edward's behavior, they mounted a rebellion against him in 1327. They captured him and imprisoned him in Berkeley Castle. Not long after, they announced that he had died. 

Was Edward II murdered? Probably, but we will never know for sure. One highly unlikely tale claims he escaped, fled to the Continent, and became a hermit. A grislier story, more likely but hardly proved, is that his captors killed him by ramming a red-hot poker into his anus. In any case, he was no longer king.

The throne passed to his teenage son Edward III. He is best known for initiating a long series of wars with France, which historians obsessed with neatness labelled The Hundred Years War. 

*Mel Gibson Fake History Alert: Stirling Bridge was pivotal to the strategy and outcome of the Battle of Stirling Bridge. This seems pretty obvious from the name of the battle. In fact, no bridge, very likely, no Scots victory. In Braveheart, the bridge is missing in action, along with Mel's brain. 

British Monarchs Who Ended Badly, Part I: Harold to Stephen and Matilda

Whether you are a fan of royalty or not, we can agree that the late Queen Elizabeth lived a very long life, had a very long reign, and died peacefully in her bed. That's about as true and bland a statement as I can make. The rest of this post will prove more interesting, I hope. 

I want to look at British (English and Scottish) monarchs whose lives and reigns were much shorter and less placid than that of Elizabeth II. There were quite a few as it turns out, in this Game of Thrones. 

Let's begin with Harold, the last Anglo-Saxon king of England. His predecessor, Edward the Confessor, died without heir in January 1066. An assembly of great men chose Harold Godwinson, Earl of Wessex, as King. He lacked royal blood, but he had been Edward's right-hand man. He was the most powerful man in the land and claimed that Edward had appointed him as his heir. [Image: Edward the Confessor, Bayeaux Tapestry]

Unfortunately for Harold, several others also claimed the throne. Two claimants mounted invasions to fight for the job. One was the King of Norway, Harald Hardrada, who was supported by Harold's brother Tostig. The other was William, Duke of Normandy.

Harald and Tostig landed their army first, in Yorkshire, in northeast England. King Harold's army was then in the south, waiting for the expected Norman invasion. But Duke William's ships were held up across the Channel by adverse winds. 

Harold led his army 220 miles north and defeated the invaders at Stamford Bridge on September 25. Tostig and Harald were both killed. 

Three days later favorable winds allowed Duke William to cross the Channel. He landed his army on the south coast, at Pevensey, in Sussex. Harold turned his victorious but surely tired army around and marched back south to meet the second threat. He stopped in London for a week before moving on to Sussex. 

The two armies met 11 miles north of Hastings on October 14. After a long day of battle, victory went to Duke William. Harold was killed after only a few months as king. The traditional story of his death is that an arrow pierced his eye. Dramatic, yes, but true? It's impossible to be sure. 

[Image from Bayeaux Tapestry. This scene shows a man thought to be Harold, holding an arrow that has struck him in the eye. But the other guy being skewered by the Norman on horseback may be Harold.]

William the Conqueror became King William I. He went on to subdue continuing Anglo-Saxon resistance with ferocity and destruction. He died of an illness in France in 1087, but his interment was undignified to say the least. His body was too large for the prepared tomb. When the attendants tried to force him into it his body burst open, spreading a foul odor all over the church. 

[Image: William I, the Conqueror, from the Bayeaux Tapestry, lifting his helmet to show he is still alive]

William's son, William II (Rufus), ended up somewhat like Harold. He died in a hunting accident in the New Forest in 1100. An errant arrow from a member of his party hit him in the chest, piercing his lung and killing him.*  But was it an accident? [Image: William II Rufus, by Matthew Paris, c. 1253]

Some historians do think Rufus was assassinated. The man who fired the arrow, Walter Tirel, fled the scene right away. The king's younger brother, Henry, was in the party, and immediately left for Winchester. He seized the treasury and had himself proclaimed King Henry I. [Image: Henry I by Matthew Paris, c. 1253]

The circumstances of Rufus' death were suspicious. Henry was the main beneficiary, and his brother had made many enemies. Accident or murder? We will probably never know for certain.

Historians generally regard Henry I as a successful monarch, and he and lived until 1135. Legend holds that he died from eating "a surfeit of lampreys." A unique way to go, but he was already ill, and something else may have caused his death. 

Henry's death created a major crisis. His only male heir had drowned in a sea accident in 1120. He declared his daughter Matilda his heir, but many barons opposed a woman monarch. A powerful noble, Stephen of Blois, got himself chosen as king. 

Matilda refused to give up her claim to the throne without a fight. Civil war followed. The Anarchy, as it is aptly known, lasted from 1135 until 1153. It ended in a compromise treaty. Stephen would remain king until his death, but Matilda's son Henry of Anjou, would succeed him. 

It worked. Stephen died in 1154 and Henry became king, the first of the Plantagenet kings, who would rule England, much of France, eventually Wales, and Scotland for a while, until the 15th century.  

Herein ends Part the First. 

*NB: A thorough investigation has determined that Dick Cheney was not among the hunting party on that day. 

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