Kings Fall Apart: Or, It's Not Always Good to be King, Mr Trump

TRUMP has been trying to make himself the first King of the USA since a revolting people gave George III the boot in 1776. Laying aside the argument that the Donald is a much worse leader than the last king, the King of Orange should think twice about being on a throne, however golden. George III, a Far Better Man Than Trump

The history of monarchy in the British Isles, which I know best, should not inspire a desire to play Macbeth and Don a crown. Few kings or queens have been able to enjoy their reigns, short or long. Only one British king has been called "The Merry Monarch," Charles II, and even he faced a sea of troubles, partly of his own making. 

Charles II did manage to last twenty-five years and die in bed with his crown on his head, a fate denied many other monarchs. The last Anglo-Saxon king, Harold, was killed in battle against the 1066 Norman Invasion led by Duke William of Normandy. Tradition holds that an arrow landed in Harold's eye. He had been king for only a few months. 

William I, Harold's Conqueror, did much better time-wise. But he had to deal with an Anglo-Saxon populace which did not welcome being ruled by a king who rewarded his French-speaking warriors with their lands. He dealt with the opposition by killing lots of peasants and destroying their homes. His corpulent body exploded when he was being forced into a too small tomb, emitting a foul smell and showering those nearby with unmentionables.

William II, the Conqueror's eldest son, had a nasty and short reign, cut short by an arrow again. On this occasion, the archer may have been an assassin hired by his brother Henry, who succeeded as king. Henry I he had a fairly lengthy reign. Legend has it that he died from eating a surfeit of lampreys. It is more probable that  a stroke killed him. Or maybe he died of worry about the succession.

Henry had no male successor, only a daughter, Matilda. He named her as his heir, but when he died, the alpha males among his barons decided they could not stomach being ruled by a woman, and chose his nephew Stephen as king. Those familiar with the US election of 2024, when Americans chose Trump over Kamala Harris, will understand. 

The result was nearly twenty years of fighting between the supporters of Stephen and those of Matilda. The Anarchy, as this period is called, was not a good time for anybody, except for some robber barons. Peasants, as always, paid a heavy price. 

In the end, the two sides reached a deal: Stephen would remain king, but on his death, the throne would pass to Matilda's son Henry of Anjou. When Henry II became king in 1154, he started a line of kings known as the Angevins or Plantagenets. Henry also inherited a large part of France, directly, or through his wife Eleanor of Aquitaine. He was always moving about to keep control his large and diverse territories. He faced many rebellions among his nobles and vassals. The rebels eventually included his sons and Eleanor. 

Two of his sons became king after him. Richard and John, of Ivanhoe and Robin Hood fame. That's all fantasy, but so is Richard's "Lion-Heart" reputation. He is the only king to have a statue outside of Parliament, for some unfathomable reason. Richard spent a mere six months of his ten year reign in England, and like Trump, treated the country like a cash cow. He massacred thousands of Muslims, Jews, and even Christians while Crusading for Christ in the oddly named Holy Land. He also died when struck by an arrow, while besieging a rebel castle. Gangrene set in, and that did for him.

Richard I had no children. Enter his brother John, the only English king of that name. Let's see why. (NB: This is not John)

End of Part I.

 

British Monarchs Who Ended Badly, Part I: Harold to Stephen and Matilda

Whether you are a fan of royalty or not, we can agree that the late Queen Elizabeth lived a very long life, had a very long reign, and died peacefully in her bed. That's about as true and bland a statement as I can make. The rest of this post will prove more interesting, I hope. 

I want to look at British (English and Scottish) monarchs whose lives and reigns were much shorter and less placid than that of Elizabeth II. There were quite a few as it turns out, in this Game of Thrones. 

Let's begin with Harold, the last Anglo-Saxon king of England. His predecessor, Edward the Confessor, died without heir in January 1066. An assembly of great men chose Harold Godwinson, Earl of Wessex, as King. He lacked royal blood, but he had been Edward's right-hand man. He was the most powerful man in the land and claimed that Edward had appointed him as his heir. [Image: Edward the Confessor, Bayeaux Tapestry]

Unfortunately for Harold, several others also claimed the throne. Two claimants mounted invasions to fight for the job. One was the King of Norway, Harald Hardrada, who was supported by Harold's brother Tostig. The other was William, Duke of Normandy.

Harald and Tostig landed their army first, in Yorkshire, in northeast England. King Harold's army was then in the south, waiting for the expected Norman invasion. But Duke William's ships were held up across the Channel by adverse winds. 

Harold led his army 220 miles north and defeated the invaders at Stamford Bridge on September 25. Tostig and Harald were both killed. 

Three days later favorable winds allowed Duke William to cross the Channel. He landed his army on the south coast, at Pevensey, in Sussex. Harold turned his victorious but surely tired army around and marched back south to meet the second threat. He stopped in London for a week before moving on to Sussex. 

The two armies met 11 miles north of Hastings on October 14. After a long day of battle, victory went to Duke William. Harold was killed after only a few months as king. The traditional story of his death is that an arrow pierced his eye. Dramatic, yes, but true? It's impossible to be sure. 

[Image from Bayeaux Tapestry. This scene shows a man thought to be Harold, holding an arrow that has struck him in the eye. But the other guy being skewered by the Norman on horseback may be Harold.]

William the Conqueror became King William I. He went on to subdue continuing Anglo-Saxon resistance with ferocity and destruction. He died of an illness in France in 1087, but his interment was undignified to say the least. His body was too large for the prepared tomb. When the attendants tried to force him into it his body burst open, spreading a foul odor all over the church. 

[Image: William I, the Conqueror, from the Bayeaux Tapestry, lifting his helmet to show he is still alive]

William's son, William II (Rufus), ended up somewhat like Harold. He died in a hunting accident in the New Forest in 1100. An errant arrow from a member of his party hit him in the chest, piercing his lung and killing him.*  But was it an accident? [Image: William II Rufus, by Matthew Paris, c. 1253]

Some historians do think Rufus was assassinated. The man who fired the arrow, Walter Tirel, fled the scene right away. The king's younger brother, Henry, was in the party, and immediately left for Winchester. He seized the treasury and had himself proclaimed King Henry I. [Image: Henry I by Matthew Paris, c. 1253]

The circumstances of Rufus' death were suspicious. Henry was the main beneficiary, and his brother had made many enemies. Accident or murder? We will probably never know for certain.

Historians generally regard Henry I as a successful monarch, and he and lived until 1135. Legend holds that he died from eating "a surfeit of lampreys." A unique way to go, but he was already ill, and something else may have caused his death. 

Henry's death created a major crisis. His only male heir had drowned in a sea accident in 1120. He declared his daughter Matilda his heir, but many barons opposed a woman monarch. A powerful noble, Stephen of Blois, got himself chosen as king. 

Matilda refused to give up her claim to the throne without a fight. Civil war followed. The Anarchy, as it is aptly known, lasted from 1135 until 1153. It ended in a compromise treaty. Stephen would remain king until his death, but Matilda's son Henry of Anjou, would succeed him. 

It worked. Stephen died in 1154 and Henry became king, the first of the Plantagenet kings, who would rule England, much of France, eventually Wales, and Scotland for a while, until the 15th century.  

Herein ends Part the First. 

*NB: A thorough investigation has determined that Dick Cheney was not among the hunting party on that day. 

If you enjoyed this post and would like to become a follower of my blog, just click on the blue "FOLLOW" button on the right side of the first page. Below there you can also find my previous posts. Thanks!