Man Rescued From Manure Pile Returns, Praising Trump and God

A man was rescued yesterday from a manure barge in Illinois. Two teenage
girls biking along the shore spotted his head sticking out of the fragrant cargo. They called out to him, asking if he wished to be rescued. “Hell no!” he replied, “I belong here." Refusing to believe what they had heard, the girls called 911. The local rescue squad intercepted the barge at the next lock.

The man, known only as Clyde at present, resisted his rescuers’ attempts to extricate him from the muck, shouting “Leave me here! God and President Trump chose me for this position.” Despite his resistance, the rescue squad succeeded in pulling him out, accompanied by a large sucking sound. Far from being thankful for his release, the fragrant man continued to protest as he was taken away for a shower and a change of clothes.

Asked how he ended up in such an unusual place, Clyde replied in his homey style. “I'd drunk a couple bottles of Thunderburst and next thing I knows I’m riding down this river, watchin' the scenery go by. How I got here, well I warn't sure at first. Then I recalled what my wife said to me the night before. ‘Get out!’ she said. 'The Lord ain’t through with you yet.’ I realized that God had put me here, through the actions of his blessed instrument, President Trump. We mebbe not understand it all, but the president, he knows what’s best for us. He's gonna make us great again, and we must do whatever he says. It's Godswill.”

Asked if he believed that God had also intended his rescue, he replied, “No, this is Satan’s work. I must go where Trump and God want me!” At that, he ran and jumped back on to the barge with a large plop. Source: ANN (Alternative News Network)