Yes, indeedy -- your country needs you -- to defend American Culture from people who are not like us. As FOTUS Trump and Kristi (Dog Killer) Noem have said, criminals, thugs, and rapists have infiltrated the pure and innocent body of this great nation. It is time to take the gloves off, release arms tied behind our backs, and show them how Americans deal with this poison in our bloodstream. They are easy to find. Most have Hispanic names, brown skins, dark hair, and answer to Manuel or Maria. They are especially numerous in Californication.
I know you are eager to serve your country without reward. But if you join ICE (Immigration and Customs Enforcement) you will receive a signing bonus of up to $50,000, a salary between $50,000 and $90,000, performances bonuses of $10,000 a year. And you wanted to be a teacher, a nurse, a policemen or a fireman. Don't be a loser!
In addition, you get a package of federal benefits, including all health care, that will free you from the anxieties that keep ordinary Americans working at shitty jobs they hate. We know most of you despise higher education, but ICE will pay off your student loans if you have any. Pesky things, those loans. If this isn't enough to tantalize you, you get a black balaclava to hide your identity, a bullet proof vest with the letters ICE emblazoned across the chest, and a shiny badge in gold plate, like Trump's potty.
Oh, and did we tell you? ICE is waiving the old age requirements. We will take you from 18 to Joe Biden. But here's the biggest bonus of all: an autographed photo of FOTUS with his bosom friend Jeffrey Epstein and his procuress, Ghislaine Maxwell.
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