Tuesday 30 July 2024
Tuesday 16 July 2024
Hail the Burger King! Chosen by God to Screw America
Well, the US courts have once again saved the Burger King so he can save America! He won't be sentenced to prison before the election and won't be sent there after it if he wins. But you might.
Ladies and gentlemen, I present His Majesty and Savior, The Burger King. The man -- more than man -- GOD has chosen to lead America. For GOD so loved HIS Chosen One that lickety-split! He diverted a bullet away from The Great Defender of Total Gun Rights and let it strike a dispensable peon behind him. GOD is good that way, you know, like when he diverts hurricanes and tornadoes from one place to another more wicked.
The Burger King once diverted a hurricane with a Sharpie. GOD has mercifully diverted our gaze from places of immense suffering like GAZA and UKRAINE. The Chosen One promises to end political violence. His cunning plan to do so involves increasing violence with the help of the HOLY MAGAts.
Our Burger King's rise to total power has been greatly smoothed by the six SUPREME SAINTS. They have ruled that he can do anything he wants, from stealing classified documents and inciting insurrection, to rape, bribery, and pedophilia. I imagine his powers include shooting someone on Fifth Ave, if he should so choose.
In his quest to unify the USA, Burger King has chosen a vice-presidential pick a man whose values align with those of GOD's people. The Senator from OWHYO defends the peaceful tourists who wanted to tour the capitol on January 6, 2021. He opposes helping Ukraine against our friend Putin. He is a fighter for LIBERTY, who would deny abortions to women in cases of incest and rape and a defender of the family who says women should remain married to abusive husbands "for the sake of the kids." He denounces Social Security and Medicare because they make people lazy slaves of the government.
In the interests of full disclosure, it must be admitted that Senator ADVANCE denounced the Burger King a few years ago as "America's Hitler" and "an idiot." But that was before GOD sent him an epiphany on the Road to Washington, a donation from a billionaire MAGAt, and polls showing Trump was likely to win. Like St. Paul, ADVANCE is now on the side of the Angels.
Many Americans feel confused. How should we respond? They need advice, and I am here to give it. Lie back, spread your legs or buttocks, and repeat, "MAGA!" GOD has been preparing you for this, but you have been blind. You followed the PATH of SIN. Now HE has shown you the PATH of RIGHTEOUSNESS. MAGA! JOIN, OR DIE.
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